Don't drink too much coffee in the morning. If you do, you'll toss and turn all through the workday.
A WIFE expected her husband home at 5:30 p.m. for dinner. At 7 p.m., she had heard no word from him. Forty-five minutes later, he arrived home, looking as though he'd been through a terrible ordeal.
"What happened?" his wife cried. "You look awful."
"We were playing golf," the husband said, dropping onto the sofa. "And the boss had a heart attack on the third hole. Died instantly."
"Oh, that must have been horrible," his wife said, stunned.
"You're telling me," the husband said. "For 15 more holes, it was hit the ball, drag the boss, hit the ball, drag the boss ...."
BIRDS WHO MIGRATE are lucky. At least they don't have to make the trip with kids screaming in the back of the car.
LATE ONE NIGHT in Washington, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money," he demanded. Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this. I'm a U.S. congressman!"
"In that case," the robber said, "give me my money."
LIFE'S GREATEST
pleasures are the simple ones, like seeing the driver who cut ahead of you on the freeway get pulled over three miles down the road.
AT THE HEIGHT of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted $5,000 to compromise this case?" The witness stared out the window as though he hadn't heard the question.
"Isn't it true that you accepted $5,000 to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated. The witness still did not respond. Finally, the judge leaned over and said. "Sir, please answer the question."
"Oh," the witness said, startled. "I thought he was talking to you."
A YOUNG BOY went to the store with his grandmother. On the way home, he looked at the items she had purchased. He found a package of panty hose and began to sound out the words "queen size." Excited, the boy turned to his grandmother and exclaimed, "Look, Grandma! You wear the same size as your bed."
DRIVING ON the highway one day, a man saw a slogan on the back of a well-known trucking company's vehicle: "We Always Go the Extra Mile." He then noticed another phrase scrawled in the dirt just below it: "That's Because We Missed the Last Exit."
________
The American Legion Magazine
April 2004
A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
ON HIS FIRST VISIT to the city zoo, a little boy stared at the caged stork for a long time. Finally, he turned to his father and asked, "Dad, why doesn't he recognize me?"
A WOMAN WAITED in the check-out line at a grocery store, her arms full with a mop, a broom and other cleaning supplies. By her deep sighs, it was obvious she was in a hurry and was unhappy about the slow pace of the line.
When the cashier called for a price check on an item, the woman muttered under her breath, "I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Christmas!"
"Don't worry, ma'am," the clerk replied. "With the wind kicking up out there and your new broom, you'll be home in no time."
A MAN VISITED the doctor's office for his annual checkup, and the doctor asked if there was anything unusual he should know about.
"Well," the man replied, "I find it strange how my Sunday suit has shrunk just sitting in the closet. Recently I went to a wedding, and when I tried on the suit it didn't fit."
"Suits don't shrink just sittin' there," the doctor said. "You probably just put on a few pounds."
"That's just it. doc. I know I haven't gained a single pound since the last time I wore it."
"Well, then, you must have a case of furniture disease."
"What in the world is furniture disease?"
"It's when you reach that stage in life when your chest starts sliding down into your drawers."
BY THE TIME Jim arrived at the football game, the first half was almost over. "Why are you so late?" his friend asked.
"I had to toss a coin to decide between going to church and goining to the game," he replied.
"How long could that have taken you?"
"Well, I had to toss it 14 times."
DURING TRAINING EXERCISES, a lieutenant driving down a muddy back road encountered another vehicle, stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel.
"Your vehicle stuck, sir?" the lieutenant asked as he pulled alongside.
"Nope," the colonel replied, getting out and handing him the keys. "Yours is."
